Love of the Week

The moment my son-in-law put my wee granddaughter on the back of his big Harley Davidson in the garage, and in his sweet Brazilian lilt asked, “So, Lirael, would you like to go for a ride with Uncle Cauê someday?” That’s when I felt it. That joyful, surging “only us, only this” feeling that only family can give you – that is, when your family is not otherwise effing you up.

The exchange in the garage – Lirael said yes, by the way – happened over Thanksgiving, when my clan of fourteen gathered in the countryside for our annual feast. As usual, it was me, my kids, their spouses, my first husband, his lovely partner, and his children from his second marriage. Hey, mind your own business! Life is life, we are family.

But here’s the truth, not new to any of us, but somehow always a surprise when it happens. Sometimes, family can really hurt us. They can intend to or not, and usually, because we are family, we eventually fix things.

Still – when it happens, the injury leaves a wound.

I am currently obsessing on such wounds. It started with my recent op-ed in the Wall Street Journal which reported data from The Values Bridge showing that only 11% of Americans have Familycentrism as their #1 value. That number – which is kinda sorta shockingly low – prompted me to invite the amazing family therapist Vienna Pharaon onto my podcast to share her thoughts about why.

Vienna believes low Familycentrism often stems from five childhood “origin wounds” that, when unhealed, eventually wreak havoc. (You can take Vienna’s excellent quiz here.) They occur when children are deprived of a sense of worthiness, belonging, prioritization, trust, and/or safety.

As Vienna described each one of these wounds on the pod, I became increasingly fraught. “Oh my God,” I was thinking, “are we doing any of this to Lirael?”

But pretty quickly, I was also like, “Thank God we are not doing this to Lirael.” I mean, that little child has the best parents in the world, and on the sidelines, grandparents who are competing for their gold medals in The Most Affirmations Ever Given To a Child category.

But wow, Vienna’s words still filled me with reflection about how I raised my own kids, because as a mother, I was – how do I put this? – wildly imperfect.

Luckily, all is forgiven, all wounds healed. I truly believe that. But with family, we have to be ever vigilant, don’t we?

Because that “only us, only this” feeling?

It’s otherwise known as love.

Hate of the Week

Standing in a rainstorm, hailing a cab on Lafayette Street the other day, a very unpleasant person snuck up behind me and screamed at the top of his lungs, apparently for the pleasure of giving me a heart attack. I screamed back, and when I whipped around he said, “I didn’t touch you” and then moved on, probably to terrify someone else.

City living!

Yes, that experience stunk. I hated it. But my value of Place is so high, I could only be removed from this imperfect city by a bulldozer. And I think that guy needs to read Becoming You so he finds something better to do with his life.

Hmm of the Week

Thanksgiving is our national day of gratitude. Along with how delicious stuffing tends to be and the day’s lack of gift-giving, I think that’s why everyone generally goes along with it. Saying “thank you” feels good and so does being thanked.

I am wondering if there needs to be a national day of forgiveness, during which we go around telling people, “I held this grudge or felt that hurt, but today, I’m over it and want to start fresh with you.”

Too radical, maybe?

But maybe even more impactful then?

Look, family is love, and love requires letting go of hard stuff, of old wounds, of “winning.” I’m ready for it. How about you?

What's coming?

→ January 2026 Three-Day Becoming You Intensive here

→ May 2026 Three-Day Becoming You Intensive here

→ Becoming You Certification Program, learn more here

So Maybe Family Isn't Your #1 Value. Let's Talk About Why. (with Therapist Vienna Pharaon)

On this episode of Becoming You, I break down the research behind my latest Wall Street Journal op-ed, "For Americans, Family Comes First—Or Does It?" with the perfect person to help make sense of it: renowned family therapist Vienna Pharaon. If you've ever felt guilty for not wanting to go home for the holidays, or wondered why you don't feel about family the way you think you should—you're not alone. And this conversation will help you understand why.

Tune in Here!