I could not place her accent but I could certainly place her intent. Rescue. “Why are you struggling, darling?” she asked me. “Can’t you see I’m right here to help you?” |
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It was 4:45am and I was standing under the Departing Flights board at Laguardia Airport, staring up at it and then down at my ticket, back and forth, back and forth, because one said Gate 14 and the other said Gate 31, which struck me as a rather important difference. Boarding had already begun and I had a speech across the country that I could not miss. I blurted out my crisis to the Delta agent, and out came her comment, lilting, warm, cheerful. |
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And so, so true. Why-oh-why do we let ourselves stress and strain when there are so often people standing right there to help us? People who want to help us? This question is rhetorical! We don’t ask for help for a million little reasons. We want to look competent. We don’t want to be a bother. We hate feeling weak. We think we’ve got it, we just need to muscle through. And on and on. When my husband Jack was in hospice near the very end, I was talking to a friend on the phone and suddenly lost my train of thought. Like, poof, it vanished out of my head. “Wait, what was I just saying?” I asked her. “This keeps happening. It’s like I black out. Maybe it’s because I’m not sleeping. My brain is short-circuiting or something, and my heart is beating out of my ears when I’m in the subway, it’s weird.” Then I allowed, “I think I might be having a nervous breakdown?” After we hung up, my friend called a psychiatrist she knew for an emergency evaluation, booked me an Uber, texted me the address, and met me there. Indeed, I was right. So right that the doctor suggested I be hospitalized for a few days, which I could not do, of course. He understood, but also gently asked why I had not admitted my unraveling earlier. Surely I knew there were people who would have rushed to abide. I did know. And yet, I was just being human. Like you, perhaps? Today, even? Look, I ask for help now. All the time! And I try to freely give it, even when unasked for, as my children and friends will attest. But my airport angel the other morning was such a beautiful reminder that there is no shame in sharing your struggle aloud. No, no, no. Darling, help is all around. |
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I was 60 the day I stepped into a classroom at NYU Stern to teach for the first time. An hour later, I was already levitating. There could be no mistake. This — this joy! — was it. School is back in full swing this week. I have three classes this semester and about 250 students. I’ve now been a professor for five full years, and I am still bursting with enthusiasm. This is undoubtedly annoying to my wonderful colleagues, who have been to the wars for decades, and to some of my students, who must find my incessant perkiness rather cringe. Too bad! I have the delirium of a person who has found her purpose at last. I just hate that it took me so long. Loathe! Despise! Regret! But perhaps that explains my fervor to get Becoming You out there to every last living soul on the planet. My purpose is your purpose. And if my delayed discovery proves to even one person that it is never too late and you are never “too old” to stop searching, I guess the wait was worth it after all. |
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Speaking of teaching, a student in my Management class asked how to create “boundaries” between work and life. I told her this was certainly not my expertise. And then I proved it by describing a recent golf game where I surreptitiously checked my email after every hole, groping around my bag, pretending I was looking for new tees. I suspect my partners were onto me. Because they know me and they know I have no desire for boundaries. I want it all, work and life, all at the same time. Yes, I realize I am an outlier. But I also don’t think there is any right or wrong in this matter. We should not be judging each other’s work-life balance. That decision, it seems to me, is a choice. It’s about where you fall on the continuum of a host of values in The Values Bridge — Scope, Achievement, Workcentrism, Familycentrism and Eudemonia among them. If you are not hurting anyone — and that is an important “if” — your values are yours to live. Whether there’s a blur or a boundary between them. By the way, I have been saying this for years, the “let’s not be judgey” part, and don’t think I’ve made many converts. Help me understand that, will you? My ears are open at [email protected], and I entertain all views. In this classroom, everyone gets an A. Just don’t tell my students, |
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If Your Life Were an Asteroid, How Big a Crater Would It Leave?
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How do you make a fun, upbeat podcast about a value that makes everyone uncomfortable — the people who have it and the people who don't? That's the challenge on Becoming You this week. We're diving into the value of Radius: the drive to change the world in big, systemic ways. I go up to 20,000 feet with Dr. Jay Van Bavel, professor of psychology and neuroscience and author of The Power of Us, to debate whether Radius is a value or an identity — and to unpack why movements built around Radius so often turn on themselves. Finally, I sit down with Kitty Block, CEO of Humane World for Animals, whose own Radius story involves twenty veterinarians, a runaway dog, and a face full of bruises. Listen to the full episode below. |
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